Letter to my baby
I’m sorry I had to let you go.
[Editors note- this one is a little tough to read. May cause some triggers]
I really didn’t want to but I had no choice. I feel guilty but there was nothing I could have done. I hate how I have to even say this out loud because no excuse is good enough and I know that.
I will always wonder what you might have been like. Maybe a girl…probably. I can still feel the empty space within myself. I hate this feeling and I wish that one day I’ll get you back- even though you’re gone for now, you will always be in my heart.
It’s funny because I know for a fact I would have loved you more than myself and would have done a good job of raising you. Still, sometimes you’re in a place in life where taking on a responsibility that big just can’t happen. And that’s what makes me regret letting you go even more. I still feel the vacuum and I won’t ever forget. If you can forgive me, please do. Even if you do I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself. This was the worst thing that could have ever happened. I was dying to have you and when you came, I wasn’t able to even accept you. I’m still dying to have you in my life again and I want to grow up faster and be in that stable place in life faster just so I can have you in my life to stay.
I’m so sorry, and I feel like the worst mother and I don’t feel as though I even deserve another chance to become one. But having you in my life is what I feel I’m living for and I’ll do anything to make that happen.
Your sweet smell, pretty smile, soft touch, me having to stay up at night, change your diapers, play with you, being there for your first words, first step, and so much more. And even before that, just having you in me, feeling you kick, move around, me having to eat a lot; all of that is what I really wish for. It couldn’t happen right now but I promise you the next time I’ll do everything right. I also promise you that I won’t let you go. I love you so much and I’m so sorry this had to happen.
Honestly baby girl, I hold onto you in my mind, even if you’re not here with me, I’ll always remember you. You will come back into my life and I’ll protect you and take care of you. I just hope you can trust me. I know I let you down this once but I will never let that happen again. I love you more than myself and I regret having let you go so much. For so many reasons I had to and it’s so unfortunate.
You’re a part of me and always will be and I’ll hold onto your memories forever. One day I’ll make things right, I just hope to get that chance. I love you so much and I know you’re in heaven. You will always and forever stay with me and that empty space within me will always be filled with tears, pain, regret, and tons of hope for the future.